Loving Beyond Salvation.....

Hello loves! Today is Sunday, one of my FAVORITE days of the week! I love it because its one of the days that I really have time to just hang out with God ALL day! I come home from church and it's just me at home with Jesus. Absolutely no other obligations than to literally just Kick it with Jesus. I love doing this, it is so refreshing just being completely honest with God who already knows EVERY detail of my life?!?! Epic! To say the least. This is not to say that I don't have quiet time with God throughout the week, but it's something about being able to worship with your church family on Sunday and enjoy an uninterrupted day with God. It defines my whole entire week and gives me time to really reflect on who I am, as a friend, a sister , a daughter and a best friend. Just to stop and think about things I've done, haven't done, should have done and whether or not they pleased God ya know? Well today I have been reflecting on the semester, and oh boy has it kicked off! It's already the middle of the semester, only seven weeks left! Yikes, it has gone by so quickly and so much has happened. First of all, can I just say that if God hasn't proven himself in my life this semester I don't know who has! He has come through so much for me EVERY time, without a doubt. I'm not talking about the "I've been out partying all night, wake me up for class" or "Lord I need that Gucci" , I'm talking about the Lord I have TWO DOLLARS to my name and my car is on E... I have absolutely no strength in me and have a class to teach... I woke up feeling broken this morning and I know that YOU are not a god of death but Life! I don't know how or what is going to happen today...but I am completely trusting that if I'm obedient to you, and am giving my everything wholeheartedly and excellently unto what you have called me to do you WILL take care of me. I'm not negating those other prayers, that might be what god put on your heart to pray for, I'm just talking about matters of the soul that have really affected my walk this semester. And when I tell you he has every time, that is an understatement he has taken care of me and so much more. Somehow he makes a way for me to have gas in my car, a Holy Spirit inspired energy to reach out to these kids every day with a smile and a hug and the blessing of love in Christ abundantly through some amazing people in my life! I couldn't ask for anything more, this semester has been nothing less than surprising. I never in a million years would have imagined it going this way!

As the saying goes, "With great privilege comes great responsibility". I am learning that more and more and believe that it has everything to do with life in Christ. It's funny because I have been preparing to submit my glee audition, and have been rehearsing John Legend's "Ordinary People" . That song starts off, "Girl im in love with you, This ain't the honeymoon, Past the infatuation phase" and I believe that this has def been a metaphor for my life in Christ this semester. Except it goes like this, "Christ I'm in love with you....This ain't the honeymoon, past the salvation stage". Because that's exactly what I feel like has happened. It's more than just the fact that Christ died for me and I love him so very much and am extremely thankful for it, it's about my day to day with Christ. I love him so much that it's not just the fact that he died for me that makes me continue to love him. It's because He loves me, Mary Tillman-Young, just the way I am. It's because I know that in him I have the best friend in the whole entire world. It's because I know that tomorrow, he will STILL love me, despite how I fall short today. It's because I know him as a healer, a friend, a listener, a provider and am experiencing this every day and noticing it! It kind of reminds me of the relationship many people have with their mother, I know I do. Your mom raises you one way and for the longest time, there's no real reasoning. It's just because "Mom says so". You don't question it...(well you can't really you'd probably get a whoopin, spanking, whatever you want to call it) you just know that there are certain things you aren't allowed to do. But as you get older, yea you start to realize the value of these life lessons and appreciate them, but if we're honest with ourselves its so much more than that. We don't do those things because "Mommy says so" or because their such "great lessons" we don't do them because we love our Mom so much and don't want to disappoint her. We appreciate her as a person who spent ALL this time to invest in raising up a child with love and certain principles and no matter how grown we are now, where we are in the world, we STILL feel it in the pit of our stomach anytime we even THINK about going against that. That feeling is exactly how I feel about Christ. Getting to that point where you care for him so deeply that you don't want to ever disappoint him, and its not enough to ask for forgiveness. Every time you disappoint him, it literally grieves your spirit and you do absolutely everything in your power to not do it again.

This is definitely a process and I'm not saying that its easy at all. Every day I attempt at it, and some days are better than others. But I'm learning that if I love Christ so much and care that every detail of my life be lived unto him, than that is really what I have to do. Every detail of my life has to be lived according to his principles, no questions asked! That is so extremely challenging. That means my actions, the things I say, the things I think, the way I let my heart feel, whether or not I care when someone cutts me off in line, my motivations, whether or not I hold the door for someone, or tell the lady who's been keeping me on hold for THIRTY minutes, Thank you. This is so hard to do, it means being completely vulnerable and letting the Holy Spirit into every crevice of my life. Am I ready for that? Yes...Yes..Yessss and so are you!! It has been scary I've been seeing things about myself that I never before noticed. But every day I'm given a new opportunity to try again. It's going to happen, we're going to sin and fall short, but learning how to learn from our mistakes and walk in His principles to the best of our ability is so essential to our spiritual growth! And when I say "spiritual growth" I don't mean anything, but getting closer to God. I find that the hardest times to walk in Christ's principles is when we KNOW that we're right. Like if someone is doing something completely out of line and doing all these shortcuts and in our mind doesn't "deserve" to be treated a certain way. Even if someone has stepped outside of Christ's principles and is completely defying God, and if you doing the "right" thing makes it seem like they were right or that they had some kind of advantage, YOU still have to act in Christ and for Christ.

That is something that I personally struggle with all the time. It is so hard, I feel so often that if someone is in the wrong then it is my responsibility to "teach them a lesson". But I have to remember that I, Mary Tillman-Young, am the judge of no one! I am not responsible for anybody's spiritual growth. I can be a vessel and let God use me, but in no way am I to "teach somebody a lesson" by responding with the same hatred in which they've used. How does that separate me from them? NO! That's God's job. I can let myself be used through excellence and seeking Christ. Who knows, the very action that debilitates you to do, could be the action that completely liberates your enemy. When Battling with this, I always think about Christ's example he set for us. Do you remember when he was in Mount Olives, right before he was seized by the soldiers after praying and having his disciples fall asleep on Him? Remember how one of his disciples was ready to fight the soldiers and cut off a soldier's ear? Well what did Jesus do....He was in his darkest hour, about to be crucified, brutally beaten and embarrassed before thousands of people, He knew that they soldiers were in the "wrong" yet he healed that soldiers ear despite everything. Wow... I can't help but think, if Jesus had his life literally on the line, but still found it in him to respond with humility, kindness and excellence in Christ, than why can't I walk away from an argument? Why can't I be respectful in situations where I'm very disrespected, why can't I live in excellence no matter what chaos is around me? I can! Jesus did and so can we! It's amazing to realize just what it means to be Christ like.

These are just some of the things that God put in my heart this semester. Things that I'm working on to perfect my walk. Don't get it twisted, it's NOT easy and it takes work. But it is beyond worth it, if it means pleasing Christ and being a daily reminder to others what it means to Love Jesus so much, that you'd do EVERY single thing unto Him. I am sorry that I have been jumping around so much but I pray that through this, the Holy Spirit reveals something to you, just absolutely anything that helps you build a closer relationship to Christ. I pray that as the Thanksgiving holidays approach one of the things that everyone can be thankful for is learning how to do everything unto Christ, who loved us so much that he lived, died and rose again as a testament of his love for us. " So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him"- Romans 12:1 "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it." Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good." - Romans 12:17-21

Am I a Good person, or a God person?

What a summer and it's ONLY just begun! whew! So much has happened in these last couple of weeks that has completely changed my mindset and made me aware of so much. Tears and smiles...endings and new beginnings! It's funny the way God works.
So, I've started the internship and ABSOLUTELY (clearly I have a thing with caps! ha!) love it! My kids are great...crazy and spoiled but overall great and so are my co-workers. Working in a non-christian environment especially with kids is alot more difficult than I expected. It's so weird not to be able to compare a life lesson to a biblical story or explain why we do things to please God and in respect for who he's made us. Because we're not allowed to "openly discuss religion" I've just reverted to leading by Example. This is something that as Christians we use almost as support for who we proclaim to be and the principles we believe in. We say that we're about pleasing God and in turn try to behave in a way that supports that, which makes perfect sense. But what do you do when you're in an environment where all you have is your every action to demonstrate your relationship with Christ. Should that Hinder you? It's weird because at my job, while we're not allowed to "express" our religion (or in my case relationship) with the kids, no one said that we can't discuss it amongst our co-workers. However, it's almost as if it feels like talking about religion is like against the law. It's like a rebellious undertone to an undeserved law. I find myself convincing myself that it's enough to be a "good" person. Don't curse, don't encourage crass jokes and never condone disobedience or disrespectful behavior...isn't that enough?
On Tuesday night I found out that a beloved Fencing Coach in our fencing Community, Emilio Ybarra, was murdered, and it broke my heart. He was one of the sweetest people you will ever meet, with always an encouraging word and a smile to compliment your day. No matter what the tournament, whether you were from his fencing club or a competitor he never hesitated to point out your strengths and weaknesses and suggest an improvement. While I'll never quite understand death, and it definitely made me really sad, I do understand that God is Author of all things, those we see and those we don't. What breaks my heart the most is that I can't tell you whether or not i will ever see Coach Ybarra ever again. I met Coach Ybarra when i was 15 years old and I have NO idea if he knew Jesus as his personal savior. We exchanged smiles and encouraging words and helpful advice but I never asked him if he knew my best friend Jesus. Being "good" isn't enough! It wasn't enough to save me or you....and it wasn't enough to know whether or not it saved coach. I pray with my whole heart that somewhere Coach Ybarra encountered God.
I'm not saying that leading by example isn't an extraordinary testimony. Sometimes it's appropriate. But you know those moments, when you feel the Holy Spirit Nudging you to share or someone is sharing with you about an EXACT situation that God just delivered you from, but you feel too self-conscious to share or are not "allowed to share". Those are the times when you REALLY have to pray for discernment and listen to that "nudge" the Holy Spirit. You never know when you could be the last person someone talks to before they stand before the father.
On Tuesday I made the promise that I would try my best to take EVERY opportunity possible to share Christ's love with people. First thing Wednesday one of the highschool interns came up to me and shared with me something she was going through. Despite any reservations I openly shared with her how a relationship with Jesus could radically change her life and save her forever. Despite every attempt to be Christ like and the ways in which I try to be a vessel for God, had it not been for Coach Ybarra's passing , I can honestly say that in that environment I don't believe I would have shared that with her.

Be careful how you distinguish yourself. Cease every opportunity to share Christ's love. Never hesitate to listen to that Holy Spirit intuition. This is just one of the ways I'm learning how to be a "God" person. It might be completely different for you. Trust the Holy Spirit and be active in your faith to increase the Kingdom of God. I will miss coach Ybarra's smile and He will never be forgotten. I thank God for him and pray that in his passing, many people will be drawn closer to
Christ and be active in their faith and walk as a "God-Person"! While I am so sad for our loss and still dealing with that, I am excited to see what God is going to do this summer and pray that HE uses me to continue to make people aware of His Love!

"Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful? That's just great. Demons do that, but what good does it do them? Use your heads! Do you suppose for a minute that you can cut faith and works in two and not end up with a corpse on your hands?" James 2:19-120

R.I.P Coach Emilio Ybarra
Nov. 21, 1953- June 13th, 2011

Freedom in Christ!

Wow, it's only May and it has already been QUITE a year! God has been opening windows and definitely shutting doors. Being at UTA is probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. It's forced me to make decisions I never before encountered. Not only have I developed as an actress but definitely as a Christian. God has showed me His Grace and Mercy so much! Particularly in my recent car accident that was so terrifying! It was absolutely nothing but the Grace of God and I can't explain my gratitude and even my new appreciation of time. More and More I'm reminded that no day is guaranteed and every day should be a day lived for Christ, where just your simple actions can be a reflection of his love that has the ability to change lives.

Because of this, I refuse to keep quite about the ways in which God has been moving in my life,
specifically since I've been at UTA. Being in an environment that isn't Christ centered forces you to be accountable to Christ and places a major responsibility on you to try your best to fulfill His principles. There is a huge pressure that comes with knowing that you might be the only glimpse of Christ many people get. But more than being a pressure, it's a privilege. To think that God, creator of Heaven and Earth, trusts YOU to represent him, it's just amazing! Learning how to balance this freedom in Christ has been quite the challenge. Everyone knows how I am, over caring always trying to compensate everyone's needs, always encouraging and going through great lengths to make myself available. Well, not everyone appreciates people like that and more than ever, this semester I have realized that. In the past, I always felt guilty if I didn't let people "use" me, if that makes any sense. I felt an obligation to people and thought that it was a sin not to let people take advantage of me or to ever take time out for myself to pray and to meditate. Because of this I often had secret pain, secret struggles and tears that never were shed. This semester, I've been through some things I NEVER would have expected. As a result I realized something had to change. What kind of an example was I setting for a relationship with Christ. You can't be disrespectful to Christ, not be loyal or attempt to follow his principles and expect blessings to flow. I realized it was completely hypocritical of me to let people do that to me and claim that I was being "Christ-like". So with my freedom in Christ, I learned how to say "NO!"

It was hard, I felt guilty, but ultimately I was standing up for myself and learning the balance of how to manifest Christ's principles in a way that doesn't diminish who I am, and isn't always breaking me down. As a result I became incredibly closer to God. I set boundaries, took time out to really study the scripture and it was phenomenal. It was hard. I had to cut back on many friendships that weren't genuine and didn't encourage my walk. I saw people I was close to go through some crazy challenges. It hurt, realizing the amount of "fake" people in my life was crazy! I never suspected it. Ultimately God was using it as part of their story, and by not being a crutch to their growth, it happened! On top of all of that, God put some amazing strong people in my life. I have met some of my best friends here , who encouraged me and held me accountable to real truth and Christ's principles! I am so incredibly blessed to have them in my life and they know who they are! It was so weird to see that the moment I stopped preoccupying myself with the life-style of others, God used others to preoccupy themselves with my life and I'm so incredibly grateful!
I complained about feeling empty, never having time for my one-on-one relationship with Jesus and always getting hurt. But until I made an active change and took advantage of my Freedom in Christ, nothing changed. Please Please learn from my mistake. You can be a vessel for Christ, but not the blood. Don't get caught up in trying to provide for others. Sometimes people have to cry to know how to smile! You never know when sugarcoating Jesus can prevent someone's growth or salvation. This semester I learned how to say "No!", that was my personal lesson. Freedom in Christ might mean something completely different for you. I urge you however, take advantage of it! Pray and respond quickly and know that ultimately each individual is held accountable for their actions before Christ. Don't let someone miss their rainbow because you're too busy sheltering them from the storm!

"For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."
- Hebrews 12:6

The in between

Man, I don't even know where to start on this one. I can honestly say however that this is STRAIGHT from the heart. I'm tryna get to sleep but can't because I'm drowning in my own tears. It's gotten to a point where I've forgotten the most important rule....ALWAYS SHARE. When you're going though it's so easy to keep it bottled up inside and let your pride get the best of you, but real talk that is NOT the business. It will eat you from the inside out. God gave us friends so we can share our trials n tribulations, and methods of coping. It's always so weird for me though, cuz you kinda have to find the "in between". There's the person who keeps it all bottled up and lives a life in fear, disappointment, lonliness and incredible heartache all from the lack of sharing and being honest with ppl, then there's the person who shares "too much". That's what sux, you don't want to be THAT person, the one who's always bringing everybody down with their dramatic lives of constant turmoil. There's gotta be some way to find the in between. I know it's hard, but it's sooo necessary.

I dunno I guess I believe that God created us to be social creatures, to learn from one anothers mistakes ( hince the Bible) and to grow alike with eachother. That won't come from frontin and acting like you got your ish together. That's where I'm having the biggest struggle right now, just trying to find those select few who I trust to share and grow with in Christ. Life really is kinda crappy right now, but no matter how crappy it may be and how many tears may fall on this keyboard I can still honestly at the end of the day say, "Thank you Jesus". Because I am blessed to even have a life to call crappy. God is good... we're all children of the king, with an inheritance coming to us. I guess we just gotta walk in that belief.

I will say this though, EVERYBODY has problems. Jesus askes his friends ( the disciples) to stay with him in the garden as he prayed. Jesus also wept. Showing emotion is not a sign of inferiority rather a sign of REALNESS in Christ. Find those few people you trust and be honest... share how you're feeling what's going on in your life and then take it to God in prayer. I'm writing this to you, as much as I am to myself.

Things hurt....challenges keep coming... and i'm barely breathing... but I AM breathing!

Thank you Jesus, and PLEASE help me to share with the few people you've put in my life for me to do so.

The end.

Feelings

Recently inspired by a fellow blogger ( Miranda), I decided to pick back up blogging again. I realized that its a unique form of communication that I need to take advantage of. After starting at Pepperdine I started a new blog that was composed of poems and an expression of bottled up emotions as result of sudden transition into the unkown. That aside though, I've noticed that it's time for me to start blogging about particular things again, the ways in which they've effected my life and share with the world, my perspective.

That said, what is a feeling?!?! I believe feelings are a manifestation of a particular emotion that is either bottled up and in need of expression, or simply the way your soul reacts to certain situation. However, the tricky thing about feeling is, how do you know when you're allowed to express them? Do they deserve to be expressed, should they be compressed? How do you know when your "feelings" are right, or when they are stemmed out of selfishnes. This is something personally I've had to struggle with. I never know when it's ok, to honestly show people what I'm feeling. I always think to myself, was there a day in Jesus life where he just wanted to "cuss" out all of his disciples and say "peace out my niggaz... this dyin bidness ain't for me". Ha! but honestly I just feel as though at times, my feelings are overrated and as a result I should be satisfied with "pretending" and carrying on as if the world around me is to my complete satisfaction, in hopes that others are doing the same. But honestly, who wants to live in a world full of people who aren't real? People who are scared to express themselves in fear of judgment. I try to model my life as closely to Christ's as I can, (whew... we all know I fall short ) lol, but the Bible says, "Jesus wept". Jesus heard something he DIDN'T like, he felt the emotion of sadness that cultivated his tears, resulting in a moment of realness. Lesson learned: Jesus was human, Jesus felt emotion, Jesus was real. So, people.... we HAVE to be real and honest! It doesn't mean we have to take it to the extreme where our emotions and "feelings" manipulate our every actions, but it's a representation of who we are! Aaaaaaaaand i'm not even going to front... it's not that easy. Being real, means openning up, openning up means creating the opportunity for judgment, and creating the opportunity for judment means.... wait for it.... maybe getting hurt!!! Butttt, that's just something we have to accept. Jesus did, and so can we.

The funny thing is though, and I can say this from personal experience, you never know when and where, being real creates the opportunity for tremendous blessings. I found that once I agreed to be REAL in Christ, open with my community and those I love about how I was feeling, I realized so many other people were going through the same hurt and pain I was, or had experienced it in the past and had Tremendous advice on what to do.

Moral of the story: Feelings are real, they make you human, feel them, express them, share them, Give them to God, and always remember....There's Growth in the pain.

Wow!

It's been sooo long since my last blog it's almost scary. For many people I'm sure it would mean their life has been so much better, that they haven't found the need for "venting" or sharing in this way. But that's not the case. I've just been busy. Life has been throwing some whacky curve balls recently that have blown me away. But throughout everything and in everyone God has been showing me one thing. "I am your happiness". If God's my happiness then it's impossible for me to be sad. Because his happiness and his promise are always with me. That throws away all together my notion of " this doesn't make me happy, I don't feel right, maybe a lil bit more." It takes away all of your selfish desires, because what your striving for is something that pleases you and makes you happy. If you already have your Happiness in Christ, and in the joy of knowing the sacrifice he made for you, then quite Frankly, there's no reason to ever be selfish. I mean really people always want you to fit their "perfect" image for you, listen to what they say and speak the way they do. Why? Because they want what's best for you , "according to them." But if folks could just understand.. that their is nothing a person can do, or say to make them happy. That's why no matter how much u search, criticize other people and strive to p lease yourself, you're never happy or content. It's impossible to be, apart from recognizing God as your true and eternal Happiness. So back off folks, let people be. Let us grow into our own personality and quit pushing us to fix your mistakes. God made each and everyone of us different. He is OUR happiness and yours too! Find your happiness in God and not material things and other people meeting your expectations.

Trust

It's funny how many times God has to teach us and teach us before we actually learn..But seriously God is the only true teacher. He's the only one we can honestly count on, believe in and most importantly trust.. for some odd reason it takes forever for people well at least me to truly understand that. Time after time folks hang on to people's words, what they say they'll "do" for you and the promises that are always broken... and maybe you're not able to name them, but they're always there kinda like scars and you always feel that perhaps it's you, maybe you should give the person a second chance, but it always ends the same... Maybe eventually I'll learn.. but for now it just hurts.. It hurts to seriously Know that God is the only one and to constantly make the mistake of believing other wise. I wish there was a Fat Albert pop-up character to tell me every time I'm falling for it.. "hey Hey Hey he/she is lying! Don't believe not one word..." oh well It will all work out eventually! Who the heck am I to judge what God is doing in my life.. it's totally him 100 % I just have to learn how to trust him alone and to completely believe that all things will work together for those who love the lord and are called according to his purpose! A purpose that is so awesome.. no one's opinion or crazy talk can ever change!
Until next time folks..
trust him he's always got your back even when no one else does!
Te AmO!